If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
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It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.