Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
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In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
waiting for halloween be like:
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
These are my emotional support Pringles.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International