ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
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A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.