Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.