It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
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I WON A HAM TODAY
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Yes, this is exactly right
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Worlds greatest photobomb
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself