if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
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some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
Unimpressed
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
The Backseat Boys
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
welcome back
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote