carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Choose your fighter
i- i did not expect this
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.