[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
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I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
🤣✨#caturday
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.