[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
True statement👍😏😁
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT