Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
You Might Also Like
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Netflix: We have Less
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*