Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
There is wisdom there.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.