I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.