you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
You Might Also Like
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names