The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
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I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.