date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
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Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
who called it hell and not heaven’t
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
no!! no!!!!!!
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My work here is don’t.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems