Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
You Might Also Like
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.