*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
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me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My first child will be named New Folder.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.