Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.