There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
You Might Also Like
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Need this in my life lol
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.