Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
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This is why I hate group projects
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
The two types of wives
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
japanese corn
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!