Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
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Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.