What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
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My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
j o i m p
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that