I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.