When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Namaste
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.