This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
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obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet