I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.