If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
two people or more is called a problem
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.