Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.