Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
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ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
girls literally only want one thing..
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.