DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.