her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
😜
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.