Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Flock of bats
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.