Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
This headline is a thing of beauty
Worst bar ever.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
If a snake ate a cake
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!