Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person