4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
You Might Also Like
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on