Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
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I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.