Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
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ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want