[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
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[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
That’s no pocket rocket.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.