my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.