wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?