3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
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if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.