My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No