You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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My blood type is b hungry.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography