I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok