A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
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I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
How do you like your Corgi?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.