It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
me hitting on a model
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no