me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Bobby pin
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!