HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Ha
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.