when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
They must have gotten it to go.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!