Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
You Might Also Like
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.